why won't anyone pick up the phone?

he has been calling for our help. We tend to ignore his muffled cries.
He no longer wants to be here. He wants to disappear, but he still tries.
Tries to be alive for the people who need him, and love him.
Lately it seems like no one does, an accident disrupts the theme.
He is so far gone into his mind, he remains a sinking feeling.
All he wants is to start anew, he fades, skin peeling.
the walls have have him locked and gone.
he tries to find the right song.
The canary has died, and he is only a memory.
Why reach for the sky when he won't achieve such glory.
the tears flood and moisten his fragile face.
he still ponders and wonders if he is just a basket case.
He wonders if he will be buried in the ground.
Or incinerated without a sound.
He has gone past the plan.
He is a ghost, no longer a man.

untitled

where have my thoughts gone?
they packed their bags and left me here empty all.
Full of nothing...
Full of nothing done, nothing achieved, nothing to do.
A lethargic tragic sentiment
has build a wall i can't climb.
A hole I can' crawl off.
I am so very scared.
I got no one to hold, no hand is reaching down.
The darkness lets one light on.
It blinds me.
it kills me.
I drown, and drown and i fucking die.

Le monde est beau

The world is beautiful but i am not. I have been called ugly by society's rejects, and by life's cruel youth. They pointed at me and laughed. I always bottle it up, and let it build inside of me. I have learned to accept their criticisms, and i have also start believing their hurting words. But baby, tonight we are 2 drops of rain so far away, and we are both beautiful. Let's play and pretend a relationship. Fake an orgasm for my sake, make me happy. Let's get drunk and high using our joy and love. Or anything that resembles any of those two. The world could be scary without you, but i am more afraid of it when you are in it. You made me so self conscious; way more than the people insulting me. Your silence says so much. It speaks to me, and it yells. It tears the pictures of the walls of my badly light my room. I have one wish left, and i don't know if i should be selfish and wish for your love, or do the right thing and wish for your happiness. Or should i wish for my death, just so i could be reborn as a beautiful being, dull and pretty. Never ugly and interesting. Le monde est beau et je suis laid. Je ne peux plus respirer sous le poids de cette dure vérité.

this is what you see and what i am

you see a clown
a friend
someone to stare down
one person following a trend
You refuse to understand me
you don't care to see
how often i am on the side
i get carried away by the tide

it breaks rocks, why doesn't it break me
so i can show you what's inside
of a rock and me
just sand , it will take
years and years for you to see
that i am not just a clown
I could be love, and you'll never quite understand
how much you mean to me, and how mean you are
to me
Talking to you is uncomfortable like war
I am stuck in this awkward
awkward position alone
alone like always
while you tell me about your loves
I am not one of them
I just make you laugh.
you think i am tough
I am not.
I am not a clown. And i never will be.

who is to say

How hard is to ignore beauty staring me dead in the eye. I chose to ignore your beauties, and just focus on your atrocities and your faults. The way your voice is rasp when you speak, the way it hurts my ears. it confirms my biggest fear of them all. I have fallen in a trap, and I won't get out until a charming hand helps me up. We are so much more than failed abortions and wasted period blood. We are nearly human, but we are also nearly animal. I thrive for the shade you forcibly throw at me. I never grow, i never grow. I try to look for the sun from where i stand. The only thing i am able to see are your merciless eyes staring down. I sense a feeble vision in this sentence, how intense would it be to be in the past tense while you are in the present tense. You seem so tense, is it my fault? You are the dead spouse of a forgotten soldier. The war rages on, and so do you. Your fire burns my house of cards, I tumble down the rabbit hole like Alice. You are just a trap and you are quite certainly the reason of the goodness in the world. I can't accept that, i won't accept it. Who am i to you? Who are you to the rest? Your silent moments are they mysterious or are you just boring and have nothing to say? I try to make up faults and atrocities, but in the end i can only see your beauties and what makes you a whole person. Who is to say what i am to you, i ask you what am I to you? Am I just a speck in the ground or your god?

a bird has gone up and died

Today, I saw the beauty of death. The image will never leave my mind.
Today a bird flew in my house, so feeble and kind.
He left a present in my front door.
a dying whore.
she looked at me asking me to save her.
But I simply didn't care.
The bird had me hypnotised
I couldn't run away, stuck like Christ.
I shot the bird and he died

i am afraid and you

I stand on a hallway, looking at the crowds shuffling in. I see the fools rushing in, the cool people taking their time. I don't belong with them or any group of people. I feel completely empty inside. A hollow shelf, needing books to fill it up. I search for the books to complete my being.
I want to share my darkest and best feelings with you, but i can't. I am so insecure. I am afraid of people mocking me and not caring about me. You are a figure of hope and desire. You are what I try to understand, but I can't begin to explore you without me knowing myself. I only need to be left alone with you, or away from everyone. Some place I can admire and look within myself and see what I am lacking compared to you. I am just sure about my anger and sadness, the cruel mistresses that control every single thing i do. Every day, every hour, every painful second, they start consuming me. They eat away, they leave a corpse rotting with insecurities and faults. I will never be able to find what I am lacking. My soul gets smaller after every passing month, I am afraid that I'll become smaller too until I disappear.